People Are Good

As I sat and read, I felt my usually open heart begin to morph into something ugly and hostile. I punched the mouse as it hovered over the "reply" icon and began furiously typing. I listed the history of the situation. I reminded the person on the other end that I had in fact never asked for the car which was given as a graduation present. I recounted how I've said thank you and tried to return it several times, and that I begged him not to take out a loan at the end of the lease... a loan that put the car so upside down that it could never recover. I ranted about how unfair it is that the situation, while I had done nothing to ask for or cause it, was now falling into my lap the night before I was supposed to return to Mississippi. I explained that I could neither afford the exorbitant payment of $350 per month, nor was I in a position to return the car and buy myself a new one. In response to his final line, the line that cut through me, evoking feelings all too familiar and long repressed, I agreed that it would be better if we no longer communicated. 

No closing, no name, just a blinking cursor and emptiness. A bitter end to a fifteen year relationship.

I didn't send it.

I've learned before that acting jaded and cynical for the sake of proving a point does nothing but make things worse. I've come to pride myself in my ability to minimize tough situations and the people who cause them, so I decided to sleep on it, to give my more reasonable side a chance.

I woke up this morning with new found conviction. I knew that if I lived on a tight budget and found the right deal, I could make it work, return the car, and get a new one. I could rid myself of the negativity and never look back. Of course I can't afford a different car. Of course it's not an ideal time. I wanted to get back two days before going back to school, catch up on work, laundry, sleep... I wanted to save as much money as I could this semester - before I become potentially jobless in May. But what would life be if everything went the way we wanted?

I spent the day battling snow, icy roads, and slimy car salesmen. I was praying that one of them would understand my situation and give me a good deal. No such luck. 

By 5:00 we were running out of time, so we decided to suspend our search and resume in the morning. Besides, we had plans to exchange Christmas gifts with a friend. As I sat in the passenger seat on the way to our friend's house, I rested my chin in the palm of my hand, stared out the window, and fought back tears, totally defeated. I wasn't in the mood to give someone a Christmas gift. I wanted to go home, curl into a ball, and wake up tomorrow ready to return to Mississippi. So much for ridding myself of negativity. 

When the car search came up in conversation, I explained evenly that I just couldn't pull the trigger on anything I'd found. "It's a big decision," I said. "I'm sure I'll find something if I'm supposed to. It will all work out."

"Yes it will," she said as she winked. 

Immediately she got up to walk into her bedroom. When she emerged a minute later, she held out her fist and insisted that I take the money she held in her hand.

Of course I refused. I refused and refused and refused some more. 

"I'm not like that," I explained. "I can afford it, I just didn't find anything today!"

"I didn't ask you if you could afford it. I know you can. But I want to do this. Don't ruin my blessing. One day I may not be able to do things like this."

I couldn't hold it back. Tears welled up in my eyes. The emotion of the last 24 hours had caught up to me and as I smiled through the tears, continuing to shake my head, she stuffed the money in my pocket. 

"Don't insult me," she said. "I want you to be safe. I want you to have something nice. You deserve it. Just take the money, dammit!"

We went back and forth for several more minutes. Eventually I realized it was a battle I wasn't going to win.

"Forget about it," she said. "I want you to take it and never think about it again. This is my blessing."

To say that I felt foolish would be an understatement. I had dreaded going over there. I had been throwing myself a silent pity party in the car, forgetting my ambition from this morning, forgetting the power of my own strength, but more importantly forgetting the power of people, the power of this world. 

Our friend has no idea how much she did for me tonight. She did more than provide a down payment and peace of mind. She cancelled out my own cynicism and threw any excuse to be jaded out the window. But more importantly she renewed my faith in people, in the innate and irrefutable goodness of people.